tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23365417453293859592024-03-13T15:00:52.234-03:00Came to BelieveTransforming my self-centered life into a God-centered life, one step at at time!Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12693795343641111526noreply@blogger.comBlogger42125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2336541745329385959.post-39291545393884024342012-04-12T00:43:00.001-03:002012-04-12T00:44:00.626-03:00Full Circle MomentI'm writing this blog post from the Lacey House, an extended care facility for women with addictions. Crazy thing is, I work here. A few short years ago <a href="http://www.livinginthemystery.blogspot.ca/2010/09/flashback-canada-day-2005.html">I had a bed upstairs and very little hope</a> in a future like this.<br />
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I started working here part-time last month. It was such a full circle moment to come here for my first shift. It felt surreal. I'm slowly getting comfortable but I still have a lot to learn. Being a recovering addict/alcoholic doesn't necessarily make you a good addiction worker. I know it will help though. Being here fills me with joy.<br />
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I also want to share, for those who still read this blog, I celebrated 3 years in recovery on St. Valentines's Day this year. How awesome is that? Very.Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12693795343641111526noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2336541745329385959.post-5585514168207929012012-01-22T20:51:00.002-04:002012-01-22T21:02:45.491-04:00Step Ten<div style="text-align: justify;"><b>"Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it." </b></div><br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">Every day my Higher Power's voice, that still small voice within, leads me in a process of self-reflection and I am stretched to new places, courageous places, honest places and humble places. I am learning how to honor myself and how to honor others. I am establishing boundaries and when something isn't working I am moving that boundary. I am trying new things, exploring different ways of doing things and learning who I really am.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">And I am making mistakes, sometimes big mistakes, as I navigate through this new life of mine.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Profound and subtle changes have occured since I started the 12 steps. Some changes are obvious but most are internal and personal. If I am willing to be honest with myself I will see lots of opportunities for continual growth and spiritual development. Sometimes I simply need to recognize a shortcoming and have the willingness to bring it to God, other times I need to make amends to someone I have hurt. I used to think recognizing a shortcoming was enough but I've found great value in humbling myself enough to admit when I was wrong -even if the other person/people involved didn't express any concern or have knowledge of my wrongdoing. For example, one time I lied and said I was late for work because my car wouldn't start when the truth of the matter was that I had overslept. That "Little Voice" encouraged me to admit my wrong and tell the truth on myself -so I did. That act of confession has provided me with a degree of insurance against making the same mistake again. Humbling ourselves enough to admit our wrongs changes us in ways that simply recognizing them never could. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Brutal honesty is not necessary; we can be gentle with ourselves and stay just as honest! And let's not always focus on the negative. What are we doing well? Where are we shining? How much closer are we to being our true, loving selves? Focusing on all our wrongs will never make us right. We need to build ourselves up not pick ourselves apart. We are beautiful, living, works of art in progress.</div>Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12693795343641111526noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2336541745329385959.post-11668907496441692522011-08-16T21:59:00.000-03:002011-08-16T21:59:30.231-03:00Step Nine<div style="text-align: justify;"><b>"Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." </b></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">The deep healing and profound freedom that accompanied this step made it one of the most transformative experiences of my life. It was sometimes challenging but never impossible; humbling but never humiliating. I made a few amends that simply required a sincere apology while others needed carefully chosen words shared in a letter or financial restitution.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">I had lied, stolen, commited adultery, drove drunk, damaged property and been physically abusive. I cheated on exams, went to work drunk, manipulated, ignored and used people. Basically, I was a train wreck.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">I made my easiest amends first which built confidence. Many of my amends were made by email but a few had to be made face-to-face. There were amends I was willing to make which proved to be inappropriate. I was willing, but I was advised that my apology would probably cause more harm than good. We don't have the right to clean up our conscience at anyone else's expense! In these cases I wrote letters that never got mailed. The process of writing out my apology, and praying to God about it, was surprisingly effective in dealing with the shame and strengthening my conviction to never repeat the same mistakes.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">When I first leaned about this part of the 12 step process I wondered what kinds of amends people were making. We often hear about the sensational and comical stuff but rarely hear the deeply intimate and shameful actions for which amends are made. Let me share <b>some</b> of my own: </div><ul><li>I made anonymous donations to institutions from which I had stolen. My sponsor and I agreed that given my personal situation this (anonymity) was the best approach. </li>
<li>I wrote an email to someone I hadn't spoken to in years explaining that something I had told him was a lie. This was a very big, very harmful lie that would have forever damaged a reputation. </li>
<li>I wrote to a teacher admitting that the award I had won at graduation was earned by cheating. </li>
<li>I made amends to my ex-husband for my part in the breakdown of the marriage and gave him money I felt I owed him.</li>
<li>I appologied to several ex-boyfriends for everything from manipulation to cheating and physical violence.</li>
<li>I wrote, but never mailed, a letter to the woman whose life I forever changed when I chose to pursue her husband which led to the end of their marriage and home together.</li>
</ul><div style="text-align: justify;">Then there was the complicated issue of making amends to my parents. I use the word complicated because most people who did the things I did would have amends to make for their behaviour but I was raised in a dysfunctional, abusive, alcoholic home and my actions/addictions never registered. In fact, if acknowledged at all, they were minimized. Do we owe amends to people who neglected or abused us? I had stolen some small bills, lied, not come home at night, had parties that trashed our home, etc. but nobody seemed to notice. (And that all seemed like small potatoes compared to what was going on between my parents -not to mention their failure to guide and protect me.) Nevertheless I knew I needed to work through the mess for my own benefit, so I started writing. </div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>First, I realized I was still hanging onto a lot of resentment so I wrote two very detailed letters-one for each parent-expressing just how much their actions had affected me. I knew I would never send these letters so I was blunt and painfully honest. </li>
<li>Second, I wrote letters offering forgiveness. I acknowledged <i>their</i> hurt and brokenness-the sad experiences that made them into the addicts and abusers they were-and released them from my anger. I also admitted to the areas in which I was still having difficulty forgiving. </li>
<li>Third, I appologized for my part, however small. I admited my wrongs and said I was sorry.</li>
<li>Finally, I wrote down my commitments to each of them. For example, I promised to be healthy enough to set boundaries and speak the truth lovingly rather than protecting their emotions or enabling <i>their</i> addictions.</li>
</ul><div style="text-align: justify;">None of these letters, not even the letters of apology, were given to my parents. These amends were between me and God. Some may disagree with me, but my sponsor and I agreed that it is usually not necessary to make amends to those who have abused or neglected us. My living amends will be putting the commitments I wrote down into action.<br />
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When I first started the process of making my amends I didn't know what sort of reactions to expect from people. In the end, a few people didn't respond at all (they are still refusing to acknowledge my existence), but amazingly not one person reacted angrily. Some people told me that my actions were forgiven long ago while others listened tearfully and reciprocated. I've been on the receiving end of a whole lot of grace and it's been a truly beautiful experience. <br />
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The last amends I made were to my husband, my children and myself. I set aside an evening to spend with my husband in which we could talk without distraction and work toward reconciliation.<br />
<blockquote><i>"We must take the lead. A remorseful mumbling that we are sorry won't fill the bill at all. We ought to sit down with the family and frankly analyze the past as we now see it, being very careful not to criticize them. Their defects may be glaring, but the chances are that our own actions are partly responsible. So we clean house with the family, asking each morning in meditation that our Creator show us the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness and love. The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it." (The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous)</i></blockquote>My amends to my children, being as young as they are, took the form of a prayer, journaling and an age-appropriate conversation. Saying I'm sorry is important but actually living differently by not making the same mistakes is how I really make my amends.<br />
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I also wanted to make amends to myself and to God. I took some time to write and pray and rest. I humbled myself before Him and acknowledge how much harm I had caused myself and others by turning my back on God and living a self-centered life. After all the grace I had received from others I had to ask myself if I was truly willing to forgive <i>myself</i> for these transgressions. Can I accept God's love and forgiveness? Am I willing to surrender my past? The promises on pages 83-84 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous come to mind: <i> </i><br />
<blockquote><i>"We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend theword serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves."</i></blockquote>These are the spiritual gifts, the fruits, promised to those who have been <a href="http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/painstaking">"painstaking"</a> about this phase in the recovery process. I can testify firsthand that these promises are manifesting in my life. Take heart; there is hope and miracles abound! The heavy weight of many burdens has been removed and I am no longer a slave to my past. I've learned that both my shame and temptations are lessened when I bring my sins out of their hiding places and expose them to the light. Darkness cannot exist where God's light is shining!</div>Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12693795343641111526noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2336541745329385959.post-33819196791872186682011-02-23T20:34:00.007-04:002011-07-20T13:08:52.120-03:00Step Eight<b>"Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all."</b><br />
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I knew the first part of this step would be fairly simple. After all, I had already written down all my resentments and the harm I had caused others when I did <a href="http://livinginthemystery.blogspot.com/2010/06/step-four.html">my fourth step inventory</a>. However, when listing these people in the context of making amends to them -well, I sort of lost my footing. My initial reactions went something like this: <i>well, he treated me worse than I treated him</i> or <i>that was so long ago I'll just look like a fool for bringing it up; it's all water under the bridge</i> or <i>she never even knew what I did so I never really harmed her</i>. That sort of thing. They were mostly rationalizations of course. I was avoiding the serious work ahead of me. And my procrastination lasted several months. Time passed but I wasn't moving forward spiritually. Eventually I saw through the denial. The truth was simple: I was not yet willing.<br />
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How does one become willing? I wanted to be willing but I wasn't. Should I have made the amends anyway? Personally, I think our heart has to be in the right place or the words are empty. To find the willingness I had to overcome my pride, confront some lingering resentments and practice humility. I don't think this is a time to be hasty. There were a few amends I became willing to make that eventually, through prayer and talk with my sponsor, proved to be inappropriate. That was a good lesson for me: just because I am willing to make the amends (and would prefer to do so in hope of receiving some healing and easing my guilt), doesn't mean it is in the receiver's best interest. I like to think that the healing could be a two-way street -that my amends would bring relief to the person I had harmed -but that isn't necessarily true. For my amends to be a true act of reconciliation I must hold the other person's welfare above my own. Perhaps, at this time, the most loving thing I can do is leave that person alone. But my willingness is still to be acknowledged and perhaps in Step Nine I can find another way to offer some restitution for my wrongs.Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12693795343641111526noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2336541745329385959.post-28898908938938434272010-10-15T16:26:00.002-03:002010-10-23T06:57:48.146-03:00Rehab, Halfway House, Slippery Place<i>The following entries are part of a flashback series I'll be posting occasionally. They formed a blog titled, "A Detox on the Rocks" that I kept from 2005-2007. I have copied the entries and declined editing a single letter. These words teach me more about my addiction now than they ever could at the time.</i><br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Saturday, May 21, 2005</span><br />
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i'm in rehab</b> <br />
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wow, it's been so long since i've posted. i have been a busy bee. i am in a woman's rehab program. i really didn't want to go, but i didn't have much choice. i have to admit that i am enjoying it for the most part. i am half-way through a four week program. it's pretty emotional and tiring -i live in the centre monday to friday and spend weekends in a half-way house for women. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my bed. i miss my internet access. but it's worth it -as much as i complain, i know that i am in the right place.<br />
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posted by Jane at 11:25 AM 7 comments <br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Sunday, June 12, 2005</b></span><br />
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<b>the lacey house </b><br />
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so, i'm done of rehab and am in a half-way house for women called the Lacey House... the minimum stay here is 6 weeks, and some residents stay up to a year. it's been a very interesting week getting used to living in a house full of women in early recovery... holy hormones! lol. i don't think i'm alone in saying that a lot of women have problems connecting to other women... i think it has something to do with the fact that society pits women against one another... in my opinion we become jealous easily and are all too quick to use the words "bitch" or "slut". it's disgusting. anyway, i've gotta go. i'll update more sometime soon!<br />
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posted by Jane at 8:40 PM 3 comments <br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Sunday, June 19, 2005</b></span><br />
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<b>slippery places </b><br />
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so i'm on my first overnite pass from the lacey house. a few "friends" are getting together for drinks before they hit the bars... stupid me, i think that i can pop in and be social. i seriously didn't think it would bother me. <br />
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i feel uncomfortable from the moment i walk in the door. i grab a glass of ice water and chat to a few people. the conversation is about a local band, some "awesome" party at so-and-so's place last weekend, narcotics, some chick puking in somebody's car... blah blah blah. god, everthing just seems so shallow. i don't know what to say... do i pretend to care about this bullshit? i don't even know these people.... who the hell are they?.... what the hell am i doing here? i start to feel really uncomfortable. if only i could have a few drinks, i know it would relax me real quick. no. no drinking. damn. after about an hour i tell my boyfriend i want to leave, but he's enjoying himself and wants me to stay. i wait another ten minutes. i am craving pretty bad. fuck it. why don't i just drink? am i just kidding myself with this recovery crap?... i'm 25... i'm supposed to be drunk! no. don't do it. i know i'll only regret it. i have to get out of here NOW. i tell my boyfriend again that i want to leave. i can't seem to admit that i'm craving. i don't want to seem weak, so i just complain about the people.... "i'm really uncomfortable... i don't want to hang out with these people, they're retards" or something like that. i am getting more and more frustrated and cranky by the minute. i need something. a hoot. a drink. a little blue pill. something! my boyfriend isn't willing to leave. he's got a pint into him and wants to keep drinking.... so i left and walked home alone. now i'm here at his place. spending my overnite pass alone. this sucks. i'm pissed off at myself for going down there.... i'm pissed off at him for not leaving with me... i wish he would have respected that i was uncomfortable and left quietly with me. instead i had to make an ass of myself in front of everyone and repeatedly ask him to leave, only to leave alone. this is stupid. why am i even here waiting for him? if i had any sense i'd just grab my stuff and go back to the lacey house.<br />
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posted by Jane at 12:10 AM 7 commentsMichellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12693795343641111526noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2336541745329385959.post-55545128801534149052010-10-12T10:56:00.004-03:002011-07-11T06:41:07.438-03:00Step Seven<b>"Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings."</b><br />
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A few weeks ago I carved out some time to sit alone in a wooden pew in an empty church and asked God to remove my shortcomings. I didn't feel anything happen. Not a single thing. In fact, I was distracted by my thoughts and didn't sense His presence at all.<br />
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Nonetheless, I knew that something very powerful was at work in this step. I couldn't seem to 'get it' and I didn't want to rush the process. So, I just set my step work aside and got on with the business of life, every so often coming back to it and wondering when I would sense it was time to move ahead. Today I can confidently share that I've come to understand this step in a very real, intimate way.<br />
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You see, until recently I couldn't really grasp that it is God, not me, who must remove my shortcomings. I felt that I could and should be able to pull myself up by the bootstraps. Deep down, I truly believed that if I tried hard enough I could be perfect. I wasn't entirely conscious of this mistaken belief, but the unrealistic expectations I placed on myself and the abusive inner dialogue I maintained betrayed my true feelings.<br />
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Perfectionism and self-sufficiency were lies I wholeheartedly subscribed to. Although I was aware that I had these shortcomings, I hadn't really contemplated the absurdity of the wrong beliefs that created them.<br />
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<i>I can do it by myself. I don't need help. This doesn't need to be discussed. I will make myself better. I know everything that I need to do; I just need to do it! Mistakes are unacceptable. I can be and do better. Anything less than perfect is a complete failure. </i><br />
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It took a minor emotional breakdown and a little spiritual counseling to expose the fantasy life I was living. Any time I did, said or thought something that didn't jibe with my fantastic, perfect self had been grounds for guilt, shame and general self-loathing. The process of taking a moral inventory and becoming aware of my character defects left me with an overwhelming sense of disgust and inadequacy. All of my shortcomings were on display right in front of me and I couldn't seem to fix myself. At this point, not so long ago, I felt more spiritually sick and helpless than at any other point in my recovery thus far.<br />
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<i>Why can't I get it right? What is wrong with me? Why am I always struggling? Shouldn't I be healthier by now? I'm always screwing up. I'm useless. I'm a fraud. I hate myself. Stupid, mean, ugly, ignorant bitch!</i><br />
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I played tapes like these over and over, making myself sicker and sicker, until I got the nerve to start opening up about it. I didn't know where to start and had no sense of being led by God, but in coming out the other side of this mess I can now see that God was bringing me through Step Seven. My driven, perfectionist ways and frequent disappointments were taking a toll. I had become too tired to bandage my wounds. My brokenness was exposed and I was left feeling vulnerable and damaged beyond repair. I realized that my own best efforts were failing miserably. At this point, I became receptive to teachings and healing. I started to internalize the powerful truth of the matter: I will never fix me.<br />
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God will direct us if we are but willing to surrender. My surrender was born of exhaustion not cheerful willingness, but that didn't matter to Him. Over the course of the next few weeks I kept hearing the same messages from different sources. Readings, songs, conversations, dreams and insights gently guided me to a new place. A place in which I not only understood but actually came to <i>believe</i> that I am not perfect and I cannot make myself perfect. That was God doing for me what I could not do for myself. That was Him removing my shortcomings of perfectionism and self-sufficiency.<br />
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I had to do the footwork. I had to open up to others about my fears and failures and demonstrate a willingness to be engaged in the process. I had to give God room to work. He gives us the opportunities and we choose whether or not we will receive them. <br />
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I'm not saying that these shortcomings are gone for good. I still consider perfectionism and self-sufficiency to be a part of my default settings, but every moment is an opportunity for me to turn these shortcomings over to God's care. I can <i>humbly</i> ask Him to help whenever I become aware of a character defect manifesting in my life. How He answers that prayer will always be a mystery until it happens. Perhaps it will happen quickly, like a flash of insight, or perhaps it will be a series of events that come together over time.<br />
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The seventh step must be practiced daily. It is a series of surrenders in which we admit defeat in all our battles and ask God to lead us out of the war we have waged. I still have a firm grasp on several weapons but God is patient with me. And thank goodness for that!Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12693795343641111526noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2336541745329385959.post-8370690185185397682010-09-11T07:15:00.006-03:002010-10-23T06:58:05.780-03:00Flashback: Canada Day 2005<i>The following entry is part of a flashback series I post on occasionally. This post was originally published in a blog titled, "A Detox on the Rocks" that I kept from 2005-2007. I have copied the entries and declined editing a single letter. These words teach me more about my addiction now than they ever could at the time. </i><br />
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<i>And yes, that is me in the photo below. It was taken later in the evening, on the same day as this post was written.</i><br />
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<div><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_il70chNXybU/TBz0RiPAYXI/AAAAAAAACN8/sovfgc_-UzE/s1600/Canada+Day+2005.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5484527028315119986" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_il70chNXybU/TBz0RiPAYXI/AAAAAAAACN8/sovfgc_-UzE/s320/Canada+Day+2005.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; float: left; height: 218px; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; width: 320px;" /></a>Friday, July 01, 2005 <br />
<div class="ecxecxEC_post"><a href="http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=2336541745329385959&postID=837069018518539768" name="112025206867306919" target="_blank"></a> <br />
<h3 class="ecxecxEC_post-title">canada day </h3><div class="ecxecxEC_post-body"><div>it's canada day. i sat at the lacy house by myself for the afternoon. everyone else was gone out with their friends and family. i knew all my friends and family would be drinking so i stayed at the house. i could hear the music of the concert at the waterfront and watched people walking by, drunk and happy. i got bored around 3pm and walked up to my apartment (i'm still keeping my place while i am in the half-way house) to clean up my room. after an hour i decided to take a walk down to my boyfriend's place. i promised myself i wouldn't do that because i knew that everyone would be drinking, but i didn't care. i pulled in the drive-way and there were a bunch of people on the patio drinking and BBQ'ing. the music is playing and i am totally screwed up. i know that if i drink i will have discharged myself from the lacey house. i know i should call people... i know i should run like hell and get the fuck out of here. but all i can think of is r-e-l-i-e-f! or shall i say b-e-e-r? i'm sick of fighting. i'm sick of the anxiety. i'm sick of being depressed, and confused, and lonely. i want to drink. i told my boyfriend i want to drink. he said i should write in my blog. he offered to walk me home. i don't want to go. i wrote in my blog. now, i think i'll go drink. </div></div><br />
<div class="ecxecxEC_post-footer">posted by Jane at 6:06 PM 2 comments<a class="ecxecxEC_comment-link" href="http://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=12008832&postID=112025206867306919&isPopup=true" target="_blank"></a> </div></div></div>Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12693795343641111526noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2336541745329385959.post-42456457753880281162010-09-07T11:20:00.007-03:002010-10-21T17:16:22.741-03:00I Am My Mother's DaughterBut I am not my mother. <br />
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I often have a hard time conversing with anyone who isn't a close friend. Oh sure, I can be pleasant and make small-talk but when it comes to having meaningful conversations or storytelling I start to clam up. I have to remind myself that I'm allowed to take up a little space in this world and that I am worthy of someones time. I've become aware of the erroneous belief that no one could possibly be interested in what I have to say for more than a minute. I'm usually on the lookout for cues that I'm boring them.<br />
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I'm pretty sure I know why I am this way. I blame it on my mother. (And her mother too for that matter.) My mom is a terrible listener. She just doesn't care much about things that don't affect her directly. Oftentimes while I talk she'll mumble "uh huh," half-listening as she busies herself with something. She usually comes across as apathetic, distracted or bored. The only time she seems enthusiastically engaged in a proper discussion is when she's drinking, but then it's usually all about her anyway. She can and does feign interest for acquaintances but she doesn't even pretend to care for those closest to her. Don't get me wrong, she does have her merits, but the art of conversation certainly isn't one of them.<br />
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There was a time when I had a lot of bitterness toward my mother for displaying, what I considered to be, a lack of maternal affection. I'm still hurt occasionally, but mostly I'm saddened by her self-imposed isolation. We all know that it is impossible to change what we can't acknowledge so I hold little hope that she will experience healing in this area of her life. I can see now that her distant, disinterested attitude toward me has nothing to do with my value as a person and everything to do with her own intimacy issues. <br />
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Nevertheless, that attitude formed within me a very warped perception of my place in this world. It's an attitude that must be challenged on a regular basis. I become uncomfortable when someone shows me guenuine concern and attention -like somehow they missed the memo that I'm not that important. The words <i>"don't be foolish"</i> (i.e. emotional) are imprinted on my soul and I have a hard time expressing tenderness. As a child my tears were shunned so I placed a high value on stoicism very early in life. I liked being the kid who didn't make a scene, who was incredibly brave and could take it on the chin. I didn't tattle when violated and secretly hobbled off with embarrassment if I got hurt. I built impenetrable walls around me. I showed no weakness. I made myself as invincible and invisible as possible.<br />
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My mother's disapproval of vulnerability and childlike behaviour were quickly integrated into my own personhood and became self-perpetuating. Unconsciously, she was teaching me how to protect myself from life's disappointments. But I am not a child any longer and I need not project my mother's shortcomings onto the world at large. <br />
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There is a woman at our church whose voice cracks with emotion whenever she gets up to pray and share about her experiences. Oh how I envy her. I have a friend who weeps for me when I share my struggles. Oh how I thirst to tap into that well. Every once in a while a gush reaches the surface but I become self-conscious, even while alone, so it quickly recedes.<br />
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Awkward as it may be, I am learning to speak my truth, stretch my spirit, give and receive love. I often feel phony, but my desire is genuine. Usually I'll find myself wallowing in shame, embarrassment or guilt after a very normal display of emotion. I must remind myself that it's okay to feel. <i> </i><br />
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<i>Yes Michelle, it's okay to be hurt and it's okay to express joy -you aren't foolish; you're human! Not only that, there are people in this world who actually want to hear your experiences and share in those feelings. People do care.</i>Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12693795343641111526noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2336541745329385959.post-15392786060114459632010-09-01T21:07:00.004-03:002010-10-21T17:17:08.178-03:00Thou Shalt Not ExistGrowing up an only child of two violent alcoholics taught me to be extremely self-sufficient and a wonderful keeper of secrets. I was responsible, serious, hypervigilant and emotionally constipated. I learned how to problem-solve and self-soothe. Even today those personality traits remain my default settings -especially under stress.<br />
<br />
Now that I am in <a href="http://www.aa.org/?Media=PlayFlash">the program</a> I am challenging my tendency to isolate from others and "go it alone," but talking about my problems still feels like the ultimate violation of an unspoken code. The little girl inside me is telling me to shut up. <i>It doesn't matter</i> is the silent mantra I've been repeating since childhood. <i>It's not a big deal.</i> (Because if it was a big deal that would mean I'd have to <b>feel something</b> and maybe even <b>do something</b> that would cause discomfort for myself or others.) I'm starting to understand that this intense need to avoid conflict is often a fear-based reaction -not necessarily a mature, peacekeeping skill. I cannot trust my emotional instincts. Only now am I digging deep enough to uncover the lies I was raised to believe and rules I was expected to follow:<br />
<br />
Thou shalt not have needs. <br />
Thou shalt not reach out to others. <br />
Thou shalt not express emotions -especially negative ones.<br />
Thou shalt not consider yourself important.<br />
Thou shalt not draw attention to yourself.<br />
Thou shalt not have expectations.<br />
Thou shalt not think for yourself.<br />
Thou shalt not trust.<br />
Thou shalt not speak the truth.<br />
Thou shalt not rock the boat. <br />
<br />
Basically, <b>thou shalt not exist</b>. Children of dysfunctional homes know intuitively that their caregivers are incapable of meeting their needs, and as adults they transfer that belief onto most people who comes into their life. I've done some work on <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency">codependency</a> in the past to deal with some obvious issues but lately I have been challenging myself to dig deeper. I didn't know just how sick I was until I started to get healthy.<br />
<br />
So I have started to open up to a few people in my life. I'm exposing my weaknesses and my broken bits. I am learning to share the messy truth, and I think it's making a difference. Sometimes I share for encouragement or advice, sometimes I do it to repent or to have my feelings validated, and sometimes I just need to vent. I'm learning what it means to be vulnerable and have real, intimate friendships. I'm beginning to express needs, set boundaries and honor my space in this world. I'm starting to feel fully human.<br />
<br />
Starting. The shame is still there, creeping around, rearing its ugly head when I am not focusing on the things I need to be focusing on. But I am moving through the fear, through the shame, through the isolation into a richer, fuller, more complicated life. Yes, more complicated. Because in many ways life is simpler when I only have myself to contend with. Relationships complicate things, but the complication is so worth it! In fact, it's everything.Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12693795343641111526noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2336541745329385959.post-6864480218185531842010-08-27T07:05:00.003-03:002010-10-21T20:12:59.440-03:00Is There Anybody Out There?Every day I wake up and wonder, "Are you there God?" I need to <i>practice</i> believing. I do this by praying when I think nobody is listening, letting go when I'm sure I will just free fall, and doing His will even though I doubt His very existence. <br />
<br />
I wonder if maybe it's all in my head. Maybe it's in all our heads, like mass hysteria. We make connections that aren't there, see patterns that don't exist and pacify ourselves with the findings. Karl Marx once said that "Religion is the opiate of the people." Maybe he's right; we are all high on God, or the idea of God as it were.<br />
<br />
But, inevitably, I come full circle back to belief. I am converted all over again. The ebb and flow of doubt is a constant reminder of my need for an intimate relationship with my Creator. Ironically, my doubt draws me close to Him.<br />
<br />
I can see how it would be tempting to make a statement of faith, follow a set of rules, declare myself "saved" and suppress my insecurities. Instead, I wrestle with uncertainty, play with the idea of a Godless existence and work my way through the skepticism instead of ignoring it. I find answers in that fight. I find God.<br />
<br />
And then, I start all over again. New questions, new struggles, new answers.<br />
<br />
It's a messy kind of faith.<br />
<br />
But it works for me.Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12693795343641111526noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2336541745329385959.post-56516561671692476122010-08-23T11:32:00.024-03:002010-10-21T20:12:34.777-03:00A PrayerHello sweet and loving God of Light. Please help me remain mindful of Your presence as I share my prayer and throughout my day.<br />
<br />
God, when I doubt You are with me, when I doubt Your very existence, please forgive my weakness. Have pity on my lonely soul and heal me of my spiritual afflictions. Please God, shine Your light on the shadows that dwell within me.<br />
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If I consider how much You love me, how You love me more than I love my own children, it overwhelms me with emotion. Can I ever love You that much? I want to bust open the gates that guard my heart and reconcile myself to You God. Teach me to love with reckless abandon.<br />
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When I feel isolated and alone in the world remind me to reach out to others. I know that it is only through giving that we are able to receive. If I focus on sharing love, instead of receiving love, my cup will always be full.<br />
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If I am running on self-will, feeling entitled, seeking recognition or displaying arrogance then come into my consciousness God. When I am taking myself too seriously, feel shy or embarrassed, act self-righteous, critical, demanding or judgemental, then remind me to be little –always.<br />
<br />
I know that I often get caught up in my own plans and consider them important tasks. I need to slow down, keep things simple, and remember what is important. Help me to be more flexible and forgiving when things are not happening as I would have liked or people are not doing what I think they should be. Like water washing over stones and branches swaying in the breeze, I too must give way to the elements that surround me. Teach me to have patience and acceptance. Remind me Lord, that peace and serenity are gifts for those who surrender.<br />
<br />
Sometimes, fear overwhelms me and prevents me from embracing the goodness of the day. Usually this happens if I am more concerned for my body than my soul; or this world than Your kingdom. I struggle to trust that the universe is unfolding as it should. Please God, when I feel I cannot bear the suffering of this world any longer, fold me in Your arms so I might rest in You.<br />
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Open my eyes to the goodness on earth. Remind me that laughter is sweet music. Help me rediscover a childlike spirit so I might experience life as a silly, creative and joy-filled child of God. Keep me playful and free-spirited!<br />
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Thank you God.<br />
<br />
AmenMichellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12693795343641111526noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2336541745329385959.post-79676708071747396292010-08-13T20:18:00.013-03:002010-10-21T16:57:33.847-03:00Welcome to My NightmareIt seems to me that 2010 has been a year of unprecedented catastrophe. I doubt there has been another year in living memory with so many significant events and global disasters.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_il70chNXybU/TGXNYgwW_BI/AAAAAAAACQI/UmLb0vNIGzQ/s1600/Haiti_Earthquake.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_il70chNXybU/TGXNYgwW_BI/AAAAAAAACQI/UmLb0vNIGzQ/s1600/Haiti_Earthquake.JPG" /></a></div>In January a 7.0 magnitude earthquake in Haiti killed over 230,000 people (just as many as the 2004 tsunami) and left 1 million homeless.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_il70chNXybU/TGXNi38AvwI/AAAAAAAACQQ/wYBY4ftHDvo/s1600/plane+crash+memorial.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_il70chNXybU/TGXNi38AvwI/AAAAAAAACQQ/wYBY4ftHDvo/s1600/plane+crash+memorial.jpg" /></a></div>On April 10 a plane crash in Russia wiped out most of Poland's top-level government officials including the president.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_il70chNXybU/TGXNqPDxqBI/AAAAAAAACQY/ZmjyBat3CEo/s1600/bp+oil+spill.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_il70chNXybU/TGXNqPDxqBI/AAAAAAAACQY/ZmjyBat3CEo/s1600/bp+oil+spill.jpg" /></a></div>On April 20, Deepwater Horizon, an offshore oil rig, exploded killing 11 men and setting off the largest oil spill in history.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_il70chNXybU/TGXNxAbJ7KI/AAAAAAAACQg/Bi-Wf2ueSx8/s1600/0416-volcano-iceland_full_600.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_il70chNXybU/TGXNxAbJ7KI/AAAAAAAACQg/Bi-Wf2ueSx8/s1600/0416-volcano-iceland_full_600.jpg" /></a></div>Also in April, an Icelandic volcano erupted for the first time since 1823 causing the largest air traffic shut-down since the second world war.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_il70chNXybU/TGXOQNU5LlI/AAAAAAAACQw/cFqEHzYVkTY/s1600/china.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_il70chNXybU/TGXOQNU5LlI/AAAAAAAACQw/cFqEHzYVkTY/s1600/china.jpg" /></a></div>Thousands are dead and missing due to the floods and landslides China has been experiencing since early May. These are the worst floods China has seen in decades. Millions lack clean water and over 12 million people have been evacuated from their homes.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_il70chNXybU/TGXN50elrVI/AAAAAAAACQo/Y2QnINxU6hw/s1600/discovery-019-guatemala-sinkhole.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_il70chNXybU/TGXN50elrVI/AAAAAAAACQo/Y2QnINxU6hw/s1600/discovery-019-guatemala-sinkhole.jpg" /></a></div>On May 31 a very rare, sudden sinkhole swallowed an entire intersection and several buildings in Guatemala.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_il70chNXybU/TGXOkdKMKTI/AAAAAAAACQ4/H4dCupZGKuE/s1600/pakistan.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_il70chNXybU/TGXOkdKMKTI/AAAAAAAACQ4/H4dCupZGKuE/s1600/pakistan.jpg" /></a></div>Pakistan is currently experiencing floods never before seen in this lifetime leaving an estimated 14 million people (and counting) in need of clean water, food, medical care or shelter.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_il70chNXybU/TGXOqeJSNYI/AAAAAAAACRA/234Ltsy2Jng/s1600/heatwave.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_il70chNXybU/TGXOqeJSNYI/AAAAAAAACRA/234Ltsy2Jng/s1600/heatwave.jpg" /></a></div>Scientists are saying there hasn't been a heat wave to match the current one in Russia in over a thousand years. Crops the size of Portugal have been destroyed, wildfires are uncontrollable and the daily death rate has doubled.<br />
<br />
Here in Canada we've had significant avalanches, massive flooding, severe thunderstorms, deadly landslides, wildfires, lots of tornadoes and a few earthquakes. It's true that we expect a certain amount of wild weather and natural disaster each year but the intensity is noteworthy. Records are being broken worldwide. In fact, the first six months of 2010 have been the hottest globally on record. Last week in Greenland a chunk of ice, four times the size of Manahattan, broke off a glacier. This is the biggest change to the Arctic landscape in over 50 years. Yes folks, the times are a changing. Scientists didn't predict this degree of change for several more decades.<br />
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I've had a fear of extreme weather and natural disasters since childhood. I've suffered recurring nightmares about tornadoes for decades. I know there is nothing I can do to control these things but still I am desperate to find some semblance of safety in my little world. It borders on mental illness. I want to move inland and to higher ground. And I'm not talking about a few miles -more like a thousand miles. I know, crazy eh? My husband thinks so too. But this is a serious issue for me. This is one of those things I really need to turn over to God. God can remove all these defects of character, but I'm too scared to let go. I'm terrified to let my guard down.<br />
<br />
To make matters worse I believe in the gift of prophecy and I'm aware of many prophets who point to upcoming cataclysmic events including a <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cataclysmic_pole_shift_hypothesis">pole shift</a>. If you don't think I'm weird enough yet, here's another twist: I feel that I received direction from <i>God</i> to move inland. I don't know, maybe it's just my fear talking. I have a hard time discerning between His voice and mine.<br />
<br />
We often hear people say, "I never thought it could happen to me," but I have never suffered from a deluded sense of security. Maybe my "alertness" is courtesy of growing up in a violent home. I don't doubt that is at least part of the issue. But what if I'm genuinely tapping into something here? A few weeks ago I was driving in the car, debating with myself about whether or not I am totally bonkers in regards to this matter, when I turned on the radio and heard a preacher sharing about how everyone thought Noah was crazy but he still followed God's instructions. That got me really worked up.<br />
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So now I've told you one of my biggest, most private fears. I wish I could say that I'm sharing this aloud as part of my recovery process but the truth is that this reservation is huge. I'm going to have to pray for more willingness with this one.Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12693795343641111526noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2336541745329385959.post-51552127517759844412010-08-01T08:23:00.008-03:002010-10-21T16:48:45.373-03:00Step Six<span style="font-weight: bold;">"Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."</span><br />
<br />
I love this step. It's the beginning of a process that will transform our very core. However, I have to admit that I initially considered this step to be a quick and easy, check-it-off, kind of thing. I wasn't even sure that it warranted a whole step to itself. Why not combine it with the next step? <span style="font-style: italic;">"Were entirely ready (Step 6) and humbly asked God (Step 7) to remove all these defects of character (aka shortcomings)."</span> Isn't that much simpler? Well, no. We can't lump these steps together because it detracts from the importance of each one. Step Six is a very powerful experience if we give it the attention it deserves.<br />
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First of all the steps are set up to be a weave of preparation followed by action: We come to believe in a Higher Power then we turn over our will; we do a moral inventory then we share it with someone; we become ready to deal with our character defects then we ask for God's guidance; we become willing to make amends then we do it! Before rushing into any action we take the time to prepare ourselves spiritually. We ask ourselves what our motivations are and where we are holding back. We get more honest and more willing. We ask questions, dig deeper and pray. We are thorough because "half-measures avail us nothing."<br />
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The first five steps provide the necessary foundation for recovery. By the time we arrive at Step Six we have entered into a relationship with our Higher Power and acknowledged <a href="http://livinginthemystery.blogspot.com/2010/06/step-four.html">the mess</a>. Now the cleaning up process begins. It has been said that the sixth step will separate the men from the boys. It is all well and good to do a moral inventory and to make amends but it is our willingness to avoid making the same mistakes, to let go of old ways, to trust God with our brokenness, that demonstrates a real transformation is taking place. I've done wrong (Steps Four and Five) and want to tell you I'm sorry (Steps Eight and Nine) but first I'm going to do some soul searching and look to God for healing so I might not make the same mistakes again (Steps Six and Seven). In Step Six we have a change of heart. We demonstrate our sincere commitment to living differently.<br />
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It seems like a no-brainer that everyone would want to have their shortcomings removed but the truth isn't so. Often our defects lead to behaviors that provide an emotional pay-off. Does the workaholic really want to come home earlier or is he more content at the office? Does the newly sober and lonely alcoholic also want to end her relationship with a married man? Are we just paying lip-service to the idea of giving up gossip or spending outside our budget? Do we truly believe that it is <span style="font-style: italic;">possible</span> for God to remove perfectionism, social anxiety or self-esteem issues? Some defects may be so deeply ingrained they feel organic in nature. Perhaps we can't even imagine being free of those issues. Or, maybe we can easily ignore, rationalize and blame others for many of our shortcomings: <span style="font-style: italic;"><br />
<br />
"Doesn't being molested give someone the right to be resentful!?"<br />
<br />
"I deserve to pamper myself with nice things -it's not like I'm wasting money on drugs and alcohol!"<br />
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"My grandma was a worry-wart, my mom was a worry-wart and I'm a worry-wart. It's just a part of who I am. I'll never be happy-go-lucky."</span><br />
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You see how easy it is to "overlook" certain character defects? The readiness required to take the sixth step is a willing attitude. We shouldn't be fooled into thinking that we need to do this step perfectly in order to move on. Remember, this process is about spiritual progress -not perfection. We must do what we can <span style="font-style: italic;">to the best of our abilities</span> at any given time. Every one of us, if honest enough, will discover reservations. We are human after all! But we can't let that stop us from taking this important step. It's like Voltaire once said, <span style="font-style: italic;">"Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good."</span> That isn't to say we shouldn't strive for perfection; these are ideals worth pursuing. What I am saying is we shouldn't be paralyzed by it! If we feel unwilling or incapable of having certain defects removed we should pray to God for the willingness.<br />
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The sixth and seventh steps are pretty big deals as far as recovery goes. We are being prompted to work with God in removing the blocks that prevent us from being healthy, wholesome and fulfilled. Imagine the freedom! The rest of the steps could be described as preparations for, or expressions of, the transformation that occurs in these two steps.<br />
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Here's what I did to work this step:<br />
<br />
-I reviewed my first five steps to be sure I had done them thoroughly to the best of my ability. I asked myself if there was anything I needed to share regarding my inventory or reservations.<br />
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-I read about Step Six in the <a href="http://www.aa.org/bbonline/">Big Book</a>, the <a href="http://www.aa.org/1212/">Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions</a>, <a href="http://books.google.ca/books?id=CYQCGk-wz5kC&lpg=PP1&dq=little%20red%20book&pg=PP1#v=onepage&q&f=false">The Little Red Book</a> and <a href="http://books.google.ca/books?id=zaalYbWtpgwC&lpg=PP1&dq=drop%20the%20rock&pg=PR17#v=onepage&q&f=false">Drop the Rock: Removing Character Defects, Steps Six and Seven</a>.<br />
<br />
-I asked my sponsor about her experience working the step.<br />
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-I read online about other people's experiences.<br />
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-I searched for lists of character defects and then I took a good look at my moral inventory to identify the recurring defects (my major malfunctions!) that crippled me emotionally and spiritually. It's easy to focus on specifics (e.g. I lashed out at my husband) but we also need to recognize patterns of behavior (e.g. I often lash out when...).<br />
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-I prayed for God to reveal my defects to me, and for more willingness and trust in Him. <br />
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<u>Here is a list of some common character defects to get the wheels rolling:</u><br />
<ul><li>resentment, excessive anger, vengeance, hate</li>
<li>fear, cowardice, worry, anxiety, indecisiveness</li>
<li>self pity, having a victim mentality </li>
<li>feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem </li>
<li>self-hate, shame</li>
<li>dishonesty, evasiveness, lying, making excuses, rationalizations, denial</li>
<li>insincerity, phoniness</li>
<li>being dependent on others to make us feel good about ourselves, sympathy seeking</li>
<li>isolation, being emotionally distant, fearing intimacy</li>
<li>controlling, manipulation, rebellion</li>
<li>lust, promiscuity, sexual deviancy</li>
<li>egotism, pride, arrogance, conceit, vanity, narcissism</li>
<li>envy, jealousy</li>
<li>laziness, inconsistency, complacency, procrastination, apathy</li>
<li>pessimism, negative thinking, frequent complaints</li>
<li>immoral thinking, finding pleasure in sinful thoughts</li>
<li>intolerance, impatience, being demanding, impulsiveness</li>
<li>perfectionism, being judgmental or critical, fault-finding</li>
<li>loose talk, gossip</li>
<li>greed, overindulging, gluttony, heavy spending, materialism</li>
<li>self-seeking, being self-centered, ignoring the needs of others</li>
</ul>It can be overwhelming to see how far we fall short of innocence. Let's remember that the sixth step reads, "... to have <span style="font-style: italic;">God</span> remove all these defects of character." Just like <a href="http://livinginthemystery.blogspot.com/2009/11/my-first-step.html">Step One</a> we need to admit our <i>powerlessness</i> over our shortcomings and just like <a href="http://livinginthemystery.blogspot.com/2010/03/my-third-step.html">Step Three</a> we need to <i>surrender</i> them to our Higher Power (when we reach Step Seven).<br />
<br />
<blockquote>"We must learn to take the intellectual knowledge and turn it into emotional and spiritual reality -into living -so we can continue to change and grow and be useful. To become the person we can become we must drop the rock -all the grasping and holding onto old patterns of behaving, thinking and feeling that are harmful to ourselves and to others." (Drop the Rock)</blockquote><br />
Personally, I am aware of several BIG reservations with my sixth step. I have more than a couple of character defects that I feel are... well, just SO ME. For one thing, I can hardly imagine being me without carrying around the ball and chain of FEAR. As a child of two violent alcoholics I cannot remember life without fear. It simply did not exist, ever, for me. In fact life is almost worse when there is no chaos to focus on because I am waiting for something horrible to take away all that is good. What will it be this time? When will the other shoe drop? I prepare myself, always braced for unexpected blows. In a strange way I feel protected by my fears and I worry that letting go of them would mean dropping my guard and opening the door for disaster.<br />
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I am also aware of a strong tendency to be very harsh and critical -especially with myself. I play old tapes over and over, examining my errors, condemning myself again and again. I would love to be released from this character defect but I'm not yet convinced that it is possible. I mean, I know that God has the power to heal these afflictions but I don't yet trust Him absolutely to heal <i>me</i>.<br />
<br />
And that brings me to a reservation I've been carrying around for the better part of thirty years. I believe in God but I don't always have the feeling that he cares that much about <i>me</i>. I sometimes wonder if I am really on God's radar. That particular reservation is fundamental stuff as far as recovery goes. It's an issue that has come up several times throughout my step work. What good is a belief in God if I don't trust Him with my life? My faith is growing though. I let go, one finger at a time.<br />
<br />
So here I am, aware of my shortcomings and reservations, praying to God for the willingness and trust required to surrender. I cannot say I did this step perfectly, but I did it to <i>the best of my abilities</i> which is all that is asked of me.Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12693795343641111526noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2336541745329385959.post-14860231306566840882010-07-28T11:53:00.006-03:002010-10-21T20:14:13.130-03:00It Ain't Easy Being a LoserIt's still morning but I've had to adjust my attitude about a half dozen times already today. I feel like I try so hard to get it right but nothing comes easily. I'm so sick of failing. In these moments words like <i>surrender</i> and <i>grace</i> make me want to vomit -they're so fucking trite. And yet, I know.<br />
<br />
I remember reading that a nun who lived with Saint Therese of Lisieux said she should receive no credit for her virtuous nature because it came to her without effort. Well, those who have read Therese's story know this isn't entirely true. It brings me a certain comfort to know that even the saints had to practice holiness.<br />
<br />
Overcoming great obstacles will only make us stronger right? But what about those challenges that we never overcome? Because right now I'm getting my ass kicked. The hurdles are too high today.<br />
<br />
I keep forgetting I was never going to win. When the memory creeps in I fall on my knees in exhaustion. There is no use running. It's over. I have lost.<br />
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And this is where God finds me.<br />
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Every time.Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12693795343641111526noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2336541745329385959.post-35408846166525990612010-07-23T07:33:00.006-03:002010-10-23T06:58:25.958-03:00Flashback: An Inconclusive Self-Diagnosis<i>The following entry is part of a flashback series I post on occasionally. This post was originally published in a blog titled, "A Detox on the Rocks" that I kept from 2005-2007. I have copied the entries and declined editing a single letter. These words teach me more about my addiction now than they ever could at the time. </i><br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Thursday, April 21, 2005</span></b><br />
<br />
<b>what constitutes addiction?</b><br />
<br />
just how exactly is addiction diagnosed? usually it is self-diagnosed. there are various self assessment tools out there, such as the <a href="http://counsellingresource.com/quizzes/alcohol-mast/index.html">MAST</a> (michigan alcohol screening test) <a href="http://counsellingresource.com/quizzes/drug-abuse/index.html">DAST</a> (drug abuse screening test) CAGE, SASSI, FAST, etc.<br />
<br />
although i score high on all of these tests i still have to confront my denial on a daily basis. i tell myself things like "i'm young, it's no big deal" or "everyone around me uses just as much or more than i do". well, the truth is that i'm not a teenager anymore and the only reason everyone around me uses as much as i do is because i have surrounded myself in a subculture of addicts. not to mention, both my parents are active addicts. drug and alcohol abuse was a "normal" part of my everyday family life. but, i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. i want to be healthy and productive. i have not received much support for my decision. my mother, my boyfriend, and most of my friends think i am overreacting or paranoid. people tell me to "just quit" if i don't want to use. problem is i've been trying to "just quit" everyday for years. i'd suffer silently wrestling my insecurities. when did it stop being fun? was it ever fun? and when did i cross the line? i always said i'd never end up like my parents. now i'm divorced from a man who i'd find passed out with a needle stuck in his arm, and it's nothing to be playing cards on a friday night and see the crack pipe being passed around. i look at these people and think "thank God i don't do that" or "what a bunch of junkies" me? i'm a pothead. i like to get wasted. take a few pills here and there? sure! but, i need them for my nerves... right?<br />
<br />
i guess what it comes down to is that i am unhappy. i can't seem to quit by myself. i obsess about drugs and alcohol. i use against my will and better judgement. i am an addict. maybe.<br />
<br />
posted by Jane at 4:35 PM 3 commentsMichellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12693795343641111526noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2336541745329385959.post-60778965283625161392010-07-12T00:01:00.004-03:002010-10-21T20:10:59.424-03:00The Free SlaveI have been freed from the shackles of addiction.<br />
<br />
I am no longer a slave, lusting and longing for my next reprieve.<br />
<br />
I suffer no itch that cannot be scratched nor thirst that cannot be quenched.<br />
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I have choices.<br />
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Each day is a blank canvas. I am no longer limited to colouring inside the lines.<br />
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My world isn't so small anymore.<br />
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Active addiction is a suffocating, contracting, drawing in of energy. It is hot and muggy and dark.<br />
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Recovery is fresh air on my face, an explosion of creative energy, an orgasmic release.<br />
<br />
I have been liberated.<br />
<br />
And now the journey begins.Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12693795343641111526noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2336541745329385959.post-37472285891327321172010-07-10T09:31:00.007-03:002010-10-21T20:10:34.601-03:00Wounded WarriorMy drug and alcohol addictions kept me stuck in a bog. Heavy sludge weighed down my steps. It was pure drudgery. I progressed slowly. Eventually, I crawled out of the mess but I'm still covered in a lot of crap. I'm cleaning myself off now. I scrub a lot and wait for grace to rain down and wash the dirt away. We work together -God and me.<br />
<br />
I expect plenty more obstacles on this journey. More temptations, more loss, more fear. Fallen trees, storms and predators are sure to cross my path. But I can climb, find shelter and fight as long as I stay out of that miserable wasteland of addiction.<br />
<br />
I am now the wounded warrior. I have weaknesses but I am experienced, agile and brave. Spiritual springs quench my thirst and daily bread nourishes my soul. My enemies have retreated to the mountains for the time being.<br />
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I am feeling mighty victorious today. Can you tell?Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12693795343641111526noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2336541745329385959.post-27102555933002224612010-07-04T22:05:00.011-03:002010-10-21T18:37:07.119-03:00Do Something Loving For Yourself!After finishing <a href="http://livinginthemystery.blogspot.com/2010/06/step-five.html">Step Five</a> my sponsor suggested I do something special for myself. It sounded like a good idea but I didn't really think it applied to me. I mean, I'm not one of those moms who totally ignores herself. I buy myself new shoes if I want them. I eat cheesecake occasionally. I get more time to myself and more help from my husband than most moms I know. I do alright.<br />
<br />
About a week later my sponsor brought it up again. "Have you done anything for yourself yet?" Um, well no. This time I really considered the suggestion. What does it mean to do something for myself? Forget the cheesecake and shoes; I want to feed my spirit. What things do I love to do that I haven't done in ages? I could visit an art gallery or go to the ballet. I could take a yoga class. Heck, I could even take myself to the movies. There's a great, little cinema downtown that plays indie flicks. Then it struck me. A massage! I haven't had a massage in years -since before kids. It's quite an extravagant treat for a low-income mom, but boy am I ready for it. When I think of how easily $60 slipped through my hands while I was active in my addiction... I could have had several massages each week!<br />
<br />
So this week I am celebrating my success. I'm giving myself a pat on the back -literally! I'm not perfect but I've come a long way baby. Recovery need not be about a depressing list of have-nots or the endless to-dos of new found responsibility. It's about filling our cup with the good stuff: healthy, vibrant, creative, joyous, intimate and simple pleasures. Sometimes I need to remember that.Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12693795343641111526noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2336541745329385959.post-60720764960690221962010-06-26T13:03:00.008-03:002010-10-23T06:59:04.351-03:00Flashback: Walking the Fence<span style="font-style: italic;">The following entries are part of a flashback series I'll be posting occasionally. They formed a blog titled, "A Detox on the Rocks" that I kept from 2005-2007. I have copied the entries and declined editing a single letter. These words teach me more about my addiction now than they ever could at the time.<br />
<a href="http://livinginthemystery.blogspot.com/2010/06/flashback-first-entries.html"></a></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 130%; font-weight: bold;"><br />
Saturday, April 09, 2005</span><br />
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">walking the fence</span><br />
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ok, so i did a bit of both last nite. i went to a meeting, then walked to the liquor store and bought a half pint. i figured i'd only get a half so i wouldn't get smashed. but of course i ended up at a bar anyways. i made a real ass of myself last nite. yelling and crying at my boyfriend. bringing up bullshit from years ago. it seems whenever i drink i become a basketcase these days. i didn't get high though. i woke up with a killer hangover, but a girl i know, kellie, wasn't that lucky. i guess she vomited after she passed out and choked to death. i haven't seen her in a few years, but it really scared me. it can happen so easily. it's time to grow up and get real about cleaning up my act. oh, and i finally told my boyfriend about the meetings. i just emailed him a link to my blog. i don't really know what he thinks, 'cause he didn't say too much about it.<br />
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posted by Jane at 6:12 PM 0 comments<br />
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<span style="font-size: 130%; font-weight: bold;">Sunday, April 10, 2005</span><br />
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">craving</span><br />
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i feel twisted. i'm hungry for something. just a craving i guess. i feel empty.<br />
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posted by Jane at 6:37 PM 0 comments<br />
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<span style="font-size: 130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Monday, April 11, 2005</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">smiling outside, crying inside</span><br />
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my denial infuriates me. am i an addict? am i an alcoholic? depends on when you ask, or who you are. some things are very black and white. i know that i use chemicals to stuff my emotions. to avoid myself. to run away. a lot of people have a few drinks to "have fun" or "relax". this is not me. i use drugs and get wasted because i am emotionally weak. i start to freak out when i don't have a way to escape from myself, my pain, my past. i can't deal. i can't get enough. i know a lot of people would think that sounds dramatic, but to me its practically superficial. if there's something inside that i want to say, i don't know how to spit it out. so i stuff it. and become emotionally constipated. there doesn't seem to be anyone or anything that can fill the hole in my soul. i hate myself. it's not that people don't tell me that they care. they do. but i don't believe them. to me it's the wrong people saying it. or it's conditional. or maybe i'm just numb to love, jaded and cynical. i don't think anyone could convince me that their love was genuine, because i don't think i'm worthy. i'm a waste. for so long i have been denying myself the truth. i am not the person i pretend to be. i hate when people pretend to know or understand me. i don't even know me.<br />
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please don't post any comments on this entry.<br />
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posted by Jane at 11:30 PM 0 comments<br />
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<span style="font-size: 130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Thursday, April 14, 2005</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">nightmares</span><br />
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they just won't leave me alone. i've a had a series of nightmares, every nite since i quit smoking pot. really weird, vivid ones.<br />
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posted by Jane at 7:54 AM 3 comments <br />
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<span style="font-size: 130%; font-weight: bold;">Sunday, April 17, 2005</span><br />
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">don't brainwash me</span><br />
<br />
so, as of yesterday i have been clean and sober for one week. i'm starting to stable out a little bit. i'm still really moody and insecure, but, i'm gaining a little more sanity everyday! i know i'm not doing it the "right" way according to the "program", but i'm doing what works for me, right now. i still hang out with people who use, i don't have a sponsor, my boyfriend is a pothead, etc. this would be classified by many people as self-sabotaging behaviour, but i feel confident to do these things without slipping and if that confidence changes in the future, then so will my program. i just don't want to be brainwashed into a particular way of thinking. i don't believe any of the 12 step groups out there are the "be all and end all" on addicton; they certainly help, and if you're willing to do what is asked of you without judgement it can certainly save many lives. but, not all people are able or willing to have complete trust in the philosophy of others. maybe for me it's because i've never trusted the authority of others, having had bad role models as a child. i always felt obligated to discover my own truth. i feel the same way about religion. also, i'm afraid that i'm just being brainwashed to believe something about myself from a group of people who hardly know me. maybe it's part of my denial, a reservation. or, maybe i just lack the willingness and open-mindedness to pursue another way of doing things. who knows. point being i don't want to be brainwashed. but i will "keep coming back".<br />
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posted by Jane at 10:10 PM 0 commentsMichellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12693795343641111526noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2336541745329385959.post-3466489863439474642010-06-23T20:17:00.011-03:002010-10-21T17:29:55.396-03:00GoldenIt's the summer of '96. We hotbox the tents and drop acid as the sun goes down. Jamie dances around the fire with a quart of Captain Morgan in one hand and a squirt gun in the other. The music is loud -so loud I can feel it in my bones. Am I sitting on an amp? God no, I'm in the woods. Where is that vibration coming from? No matter, it feels good. It feels like life pulsing through me. Jamie yells for me to open my mouth. He squirts me. "Jesus, he's got rum in that gun!" We can't stop laughing.<br />
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We walk down to the shore to look at the stars. It's too dark and we're too high and everyone holds hands to keep from falling, which only makes us fall like dominoes.<br />
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"Pile up!"<br />
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"No! I'm too small, I'll die on the bottom, let me out." Everyone laughs harder.<br />
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I'm sinking in quick sand and the exchange student from France keeps talking to me but his words roll around in my head like a slow motion pinball. Boing. Boing. Boing. Nothing sticks. What is he talking about? I don't know but I like the way he says his words so I let him follow me around. His hair is pulled back in a ponytail and he has a hole in the knee of his jeans like me. Ponytails and ripped jeans. We're perfect together. I start to talk to him with a mix of core French and Pig Latin. We make up our own language. It makes total sense.<br />
<br />
When the sun comes up the water is so still it looks like a desert. Half bodies glide across. Everyone's coming down. A few sit around the fire and play guitar but I get in the back of a pick-up truck 'cause we're going bridge jumping. Sherri and I sit on the shore and watch the boys dive in -buck naked. Sherri cries because, "It's so fucking beautiful."<br />
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I think I know how she feels.<br />
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I dig my toes in the sand and breathe long slow breaths. I'm more content than I've ever been.<br />
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I love this life.Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12693795343641111526noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2336541745329385959.post-25258433709009635392010-06-20T21:04:00.008-03:002010-10-23T06:58:48.281-03:00Flashback: First Entries<span style="font-style: italic;">The following entries are part of a flashback series I'll be posting occasionally. They formed a blog titled, "A Detox on the Rocks" that I kept from 2005-2007. I have copied the entries and declined editing a single letter. These words teach me more about my addiction now than they ever could at the time.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: 130%; font-weight: bold;">Thursday, April 07, 2005</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">in the beginning...</span><br />
<br />
i have so much to say, and yet i find myself emotionally constipated. words, thoughts, feelings... nothing seems to be processing quite right. i have decided to journal as a therapeutic tool in my battle against addiction. just what am i addicted too? well, i'm not a "crack whore" thank God! i'm a pothead and boozer mainly, although there's not too much i haven't tried....<br />
<br />
my heart aches for freedom!<br />
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posted by Jane at 3:10 PM 0 comments<br />
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<span style="font-size: 130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Friday, April 08, 2005</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">i'm gonna use</span><br />
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still, no sleep. i hate it. i'm gonna use. two beautiful blue pills. one up my nose and i'll just eat the other. i'm gonna wash 'em down with a couple of beer, but no pot 'cause that shows up in my piss tests. i'm trying to get into a women's rehab program that starts may 2, but you need to be "clean" for a while before they will let you take part because of our "clouded thinking". Personally i think it's sad that you have to be clean and sober before you can take a rehab program. i mean, spending a few days in detox, and then waiting a few months to get into a rehab program. it's silly. there's a missing link here. a half-way house would be good, but the only half-way house for women around here has 6 beds, which are already filled, and a waiting list. so in the meantime. i am back to my regular routine. i'm going to 12 step meetings, and connecting with some healthy friends. but that just doesn't cut it at 4am. i'm not going to call someone at this hour, and my cravings won't go away. so i used. fuck it.<br />
<br />
posted by Jane at 4:41 AM 0 comments<br />
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">to meet or not to meet?</span><br />
<br />
so, it's friday night. i already told some members that i'd see them at a meeting, but now i don't want to go. i'm sick of meetings. i've been to at least one meeting a day for the past week. the funny thing is, my boyfriend doesn't have a clue. i'm always like, "im going over to tara's to watch a movie" or something like that. i just told him a few days ago that i'm trying to get clean and sober (that's a whole other story). i really don't know what to do with myself right now. i should go to a meeting, but there's a card game going on at a friend's place, and i just want to relax.<br />
<br />
now, i know some people would probably say that it's just "my addiction talking" because there's going to be people drinking and getting high at the card game. and, it's stupid to be around people, places, and things that might trigger me, but i just don't care sometimes. i want to be laughing and hanging with my friends. i don't want to go to a meeting. i hate meetings. i mean sometimes they're great, but there's just too many old perverts and people a hell of a lot sicker than me. some meetings have a lot of young women and people my age. people who i used to get high with.. it's cool seeing them there. but you never know what you're walking into when you go to a meeting. i can't decide.<br />
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i guess i'll take a shower and think about it.<br />
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posted by Jane at 6:00 PM 1 commentsMichellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12693795343641111526noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2336541745329385959.post-30371188081372402442010-06-19T13:47:00.013-03:002010-10-23T06:59:28.279-03:00Looking BackI used to have a blog called <i>"A Detox on the Rocks."</i> It was about my search for sobriety. I started it in 2005 and deleted it in 2007. I was drunk when I started it and drunk when it was over. I called myself <span style="font-style: italic;">Sad Jane</span> and poured my heart out on that blog.<br />
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Before I deleted the blog I had enough sense to copy the posts into a word document. I'm glad I did because I started to read them the other day and I'm blown away by how much has changed. I like reading those old posts. The old me.<br />
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I'm going to start posting some flashbacks.Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12693795343641111526noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2336541745329385959.post-55211990060638759982010-06-15T10:48:00.040-03:002010-10-21T16:48:23.135-03:00Step Five<b>"Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."</b><br />
<b></b><br />
In step five we tell on ourselves. We tell the whole truth about who we are to God in the presence of another human being. We expose our wounds: our painful memories, toxic thoughts, and wrongdoings. We abolish the facade we have created to give a tour through the hidden rooms and back alleys kept private from the world. We share our brokenness, our ugliness and our pain.<br />
<br />
Perhaps we portray the image of a hardworking, friendly and moral person but deep down we harbor feelings of shame and despair or lead a double life. This is normal. It certainly isn't common or recommended to bear your sins for all the world to see. We share these things with people who know us intimately and we can trust. It is when we stop sharing all-together and cling to the one-dimensional image we have created that problems arise. We must expose our wounds to receive treatment.<br />
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Our true selves are flawed, inadequate and speckled with all sorts of imperfections. This isn't to say we aren't lovely people as well -it just means we are wholly human. To live with integrity is to acknowledge our shortcomings so that we might open the doors to forgiveness, healing and transformation. God is a surgeon who can work wonders on our souls if only we are willing to confess our illness.<br />
<br />
I immediately understood why it is so important to admit my wrongs to myself and God but I didn't know why it is so important to share my inventory with another human being. I knew that God would love and forgive me but I didn't trust another human being to be so pious. Eventually, I just did it because I was told that it was necessary. Now, having had the experience, I get it. I could never have reached such a degree of humility and vulnerability if I had come to God on my own. It takes courage to speak your sins aloud and it makes them seem somehow more real when another person is listening. Seeing through the eyes of another human shattered the last pieces of denial that held my mask in place.<br />
<br />
It goes without saying that you should be very careful with whom you share your fifth step. For some people their inventory will be very run-of-the-mill stuff we have come to expect from a life lived with addiction. However, some inventories may include serious crimes, violence, abuse or sexual perversion. It is a special kind of person, usually a professional, who will know how to deal with this information in a safe, healthy manner without letting their own discomfort interfere with the process. Perhaps a therapist or a member of the clergy should be sought if you fear your inventory will be shocking or put you at risk. This isn't meant to be a counselling session but an untrained AA member may unintentionally say something that does more harm than good. It is a good idea to share your inventory with someone who has worked through the steps but if they aren't familiar with the program be sure to give them an explanation of the fourth and fifth steps before you begin.<br />
<br />
The role of the listener isn't to counsel or bestow absolution and it certainly isn't to further shame you or point out any defects you might have overlooked. The listener is there for one reason only -to be a witness. It might be helpful if you ask them not to interrupt or minimize your faults which can be a natural reaction when we want to help someone. I was lucky to do my fifth with someone who understood their role very well. That isn't to say there can't be any discussion. Perhaps some clarifying questions are needed by the listener or you would like to hear some feedback. But for the most part you should try to let the inventory speak for itself.<br />
<br />
I can't say I felt relief or healing immediately after sharing my fifth. I felt the sting of having my band-aid removed. I felt naked and ashamed. I felt disgusted with myself. My confessor was wise not to minimize or exaggerate for me. I was allowed to feel my pain for what it was. It was one of the single most humbling experiences of my life. In the days that followed I sensed some newfound serenity seeping into my once shame-filled story. Little by little, day by day, I am allowing myself to receive the healing and forgiveness God has been offering my troubled soul.Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12693795343641111526noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2336541745329385959.post-33658975641210995962010-06-09T08:32:00.004-03:002010-10-21T16:47:57.287-03:00Step Four<b>"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."</b><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.shanerickman.com/subjects/theart/gallery03/97-Vision-SelfReflection.htm"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5479976173847738802" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_il70chNXybU/TAzJS8PMebI/AAAAAAAACNc/fr_220eB1uo/s320/97-VisionSelfReflect-500pix.jpg" style="float: left; height: 320px; margin: 0px 10px 10px 0px; width: 302px;" /></a> You don't need to be around the rooms of AA very long before sensing that the fourth step is usually approached with a little trepidation if not outright reluctance. Should you do a moral inventory early in recovery so you can make a fresh start or do you wait until you have "good sobriety" under your belt -just in case it strikes some heavy emotional blows? My quick answer: do it when you've done the first three steps, you have a sponsor, and you feel strong enough to <i>honestly</i> look at the mess.<br />
<br />
I <span style="font-style: italic;">felt</span> ready from day one. You see, I've been a bit of a self-help junkie over the years. I have an interest in personal growth and I'm introspective by nature so much of my inventory had already been done -in my head at least. It wasn't daunting unless I jumped ahead and considered the sharing part. (Not recommended.) The sheer volume of stuff that came out while I was writing my inventory surprised me but the content didn't. Those who suffer from ostrich syndrome haven't honed their self-observation skills and may find the fourth step much more intense or be overwhelmed by the process.<br />
<br />
Even though I felt ready early in recovery I waited until I had a sponsor and did the first three steps <span style="font-style: italic;">thoroughly</span>, which meant I had over a year sober before actually writing it out. I think this worked out really well for me because having a year between me and my drinking meant I was healthy enough to recognize just how sick my behaviors were and I was ready to be <span style="font-style: italic;">fearless.</span> Well, <span style="font-style: italic;">almost</span> fearless. Some things caused me to wince as I wrote it out but I forged ahead despite my repulsion. Earlier in recovery I wouldn't have had a clear head or much perspective on my issues. We may not even be aware that something is a character defect until we start to get healthy.<br />
<br />
Usually, the basic inventory involves writing out <span style="font-weight: bold;">resentments</span>, <span style="font-weight: bold;">fears</span>, <span style="font-weight: bold;">harm done to others</span> and <span style="font-weight: bold;">sexual conduct</span> as described in the Big Book. Sometimes it's recommended that we examine our childhoods to uncover the root causes for our dependencies. Occasionally we're told to include our good qualities to bring some balance to the picture.<br />
<br />
I was also told to write down anything that caused me embarrassment in the past or is an ongoing source of shame. Some of the things we did may not have been immoral or caused harm to others, but if they make us feel inadequate or regretful we should get them out on paper. If "silly" little things play over and over in your head, like a dark thought or bad memory, write it down. It doesn't matter if you were sober or drunk, a child or an adult when it happened. Our inventory isn't limited to things we did while intoxicated. Nor is it limited to our own actions. If someone crossed a line, violated, hurt or shamed you and there is still an emotional charge attached to the offense then be sure to include it as a resentment.<br />
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It's not necessary to nitpick or wrack your brain trying to uncover long lost memories about lies you told as a child or every foolish thing you did while drunk. If something bothers you, include it -otherwise don't worry about the neighbor's doll you broke in second grade. I'm sure she's over it. If you spend too much time focused on the specifics you won't see the forest for the trees. Instead, try to become aware of trends in your behavior. What character defects are popping up again and again? What things have you done that violated your moral principles? If someone could peer into your life, like a fly on the wall, what would they consider to be dysfunctional about you? Has there been domestic violence or infidelities? Are you a chronic liar? Easily offended or victimized? Critical of yourself or others? Do you frequently ignore personal boundaries or have control issues? Can you hold down a job? Do you avoid intimacy? Deeply ingrained behaviors need to be recognized before they can be challenged.<br />
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If you have committed overt or violent crimes they should be easily identified but if you are having trouble getting started or digging deeper then try searching online for a list of character defects or consider the seven deadly sins: pride, envy, gluttony, lust, anger, greed and sloth. Personally, I found pride to be one of my major, recurring defects and this list containing <a href="http://www.provchurch.org/fifty-fruits-of-pride/">50 Fruits of Pride</a> helped me realize many of my shortcomings.<br />
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Don't worry about getting it perfect. I know that's easier said than done, but trust me when I say you are bound to forget some things and be unaware that other things are even considered defects of character. When these oversights surface they can be addressed as part of an ongoing personal inventory (Step 10).<br />
<br />
There are a variety of methods and worksheets available online that you can find with some simple searching. I didn't use worksheets but I did browse through a lot of them online to see if they stirred something up. This shouldn't be approached like a classroom assignment. It is a time for self-reflection and soul-searching. Be alone with God and pour out your heart. Ask your Higher Power to show you the truth about yourself. Take off all those masks you use to hide from the world. Allow yourself to acknowledge all your brokenness. Mourn for your mistakes and pray for healing.<br />
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The fourth step can be life-changing stuff. It takes a brave warrior to travel the journey into Self. Be fearless! It just might save your life.Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12693795343641111526noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2336541745329385959.post-55565533823569052902010-06-08T14:20:00.018-03:002010-10-21T17:22:04.801-03:00Father Joseph C. MartinI was a teenager the first time I went to detox. I only remember a few details, but one thing that sticks out was the videos of Father Martin they had piled on top of an old TV and VCR. I watched them all. There was something about him that breathed calm into my soul -and still does.<br />
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Isn't he great? You can watch more Fr. Martin videos <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/fatherjoemartin">here</a>!Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12693795343641111526noreply@blogger.com