Flashback: First Entries

The following entries are part of a flashback series I'll be posting occasionally. They formed a blog titled, "A Detox on the Rocks" that I kept from 2005-2007. I have copied the entries and declined editing a single letter. These words teach me more about my addiction now than they ever could at the time.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

in the beginning...

i have so much to say, and yet i find myself emotionally constipated. words, thoughts, feelings... nothing seems to be processing quite right. i have decided to journal as a therapeutic tool in my battle against addiction. just what am i addicted too? well, i'm not a "crack whore" thank God! i'm a pothead and boozer mainly, although there's not too much i haven't tried....

my heart aches for freedom!

posted by Jane at 3:10 PM 0 comments

Friday, April 08, 2005

i'm gonna use

still, no sleep. i hate it. i'm gonna use. two beautiful blue pills. one up my nose and i'll just eat the other. i'm gonna wash 'em down with a couple of beer, but no pot 'cause that shows up in my piss tests. i'm trying to get into a women's rehab program that starts may 2, but you need to be "clean" for a while before they will let you take part because of our "clouded thinking". Personally i think it's sad that you have to be clean and sober before you can take a rehab program. i mean, spending a few days in detox, and then waiting a few months to get into a rehab program. it's silly. there's a missing link here. a half-way house would be good, but the only half-way house for women around here has 6 beds, which are already filled, and a waiting list. so in the meantime. i am back to my regular routine. i'm going to 12 step meetings, and connecting with some healthy friends. but that just doesn't cut it at 4am. i'm not going to call someone at this hour, and my cravings won't go away. so i used. fuck it.

posted by Jane at 4:41 AM 0 comments

to meet or not to meet?

so, it's friday night. i already told some members that i'd see them at a meeting, but now i don't want to go. i'm sick of meetings. i've been to at least one meeting a day for the past week. the funny thing is, my boyfriend doesn't have a clue. i'm always like, "im going over to tara's to watch a movie" or something like that. i just told him a few days ago that i'm trying to get clean and sober (that's a whole other story). i really don't know what to do with myself right now. i should go to a meeting, but there's a card game going on at a friend's place, and i just want to relax.

now, i know some people would probably say that it's just "my addiction talking" because there's going to be people drinking and getting high at the card game. and, it's stupid to be around people, places, and things that might trigger me, but i just don't care sometimes. i want to be laughing and hanging with my friends. i don't want to go to a meeting. i hate meetings. i mean sometimes they're great, but there's just too many old perverts and people a hell of a lot sicker than me. some meetings have a lot of young women and people my age. people who i used to get high with.. it's cool seeing them there. but you never know what you're walking into when you go to a meeting. i can't decide.

i guess i'll take a shower and think about it.

posted by Jane at 6:00 PM 1 comments