Flashback: Walking the Fence

The following entries are part of a flashback series I'll be posting occasionally. They formed a blog titled, "A Detox on the Rocks" that I kept from 2005-2007. I have copied the entries and declined editing a single letter. These words teach me more about my addiction now than they ever could at the time.


Saturday, April 09, 2005

walking the fence

ok, so i did a bit of both last nite. i went to a meeting, then walked to the liquor store and bought a half pint. i figured i'd only get a half so i wouldn't get smashed. but of course i ended up at a bar anyways. i made a real ass of myself last nite. yelling and crying at my boyfriend. bringing up bullshit from years ago. it seems whenever i drink i become a basketcase these days. i didn't get high though. i woke up with a killer hangover, but a girl i know, kellie, wasn't that lucky. i guess she vomited after she passed out and choked to death. i haven't seen her in a few years, but it really scared me. it can happen so easily. it's time to grow up and get real about cleaning up my act. oh, and i finally told my boyfriend about the meetings. i just emailed him a link to my blog. i don't really know what he thinks, 'cause he didn't say too much about it.

posted by Jane at 6:12 PM 0 comments

Sunday, April 10, 2005

craving

i feel twisted. i'm hungry for something. just a craving i guess. i feel empty.

posted by Jane at 6:37 PM 0 comments

Monday, April 11, 2005

smiling outside, crying inside

my denial infuriates me. am i an addict? am i an alcoholic? depends on when you ask, or who you are. some things are very black and white. i know that i use chemicals to stuff my emotions. to avoid myself. to run away. a lot of people have a few drinks to "have fun" or "relax". this is not me. i use drugs and get wasted because i am emotionally weak. i start to freak out when i don't have a way to escape from myself, my pain, my past. i can't deal. i can't get enough. i know a lot of people would think that sounds dramatic, but to me its practically superficial. if there's something inside that i want to say, i don't know how to spit it out. so i stuff it. and become emotionally constipated. there doesn't seem to be anyone or anything that can fill the hole in my soul. i hate myself. it's not that people don't tell me that they care. they do. but i don't believe them. to me it's the wrong people saying it. or it's conditional. or maybe i'm just numb to love, jaded and cynical. i don't think anyone could convince me that their love was genuine, because i don't think i'm worthy. i'm a waste. for so long i have been denying myself the truth. i am not the person i pretend to be. i hate when people pretend to know or understand me. i don't even know me.

please don't post any comments on this entry.

posted by Jane at 11:30 PM 0 comments

Thursday, April 14, 2005

nightmares

they just won't leave me alone. i've a had a series of nightmares, every nite since i quit smoking pot. really weird, vivid ones.

posted by Jane at 7:54 AM 3 comments

Sunday, April 17, 2005

don't brainwash me

so, as of yesterday i have been clean and sober for one week. i'm starting to stable out a little bit. i'm still really moody and insecure, but, i'm gaining a little more sanity everyday! i know i'm not doing it the "right" way according to the "program", but i'm doing what works for me, right now. i still hang out with people who use, i don't have a sponsor, my boyfriend is a pothead, etc. this would be classified by many people as self-sabotaging behaviour, but i feel confident to do these things without slipping and if that confidence changes in the future, then so will my program. i just don't want to be brainwashed into a particular way of thinking. i don't believe any of the 12 step groups out there are the "be all and end all" on addicton; they certainly help, and if you're willing to do what is asked of you without judgement it can certainly save many lives. but, not all people are able or willing to have complete trust in the philosophy of others. maybe for me it's because i've never trusted the authority of others, having had bad role models as a child. i always felt obligated to discover my own truth. i feel the same way about religion. also, i'm afraid that i'm just being brainwashed to believe something about myself from a group of people who hardly know me. maybe it's part of my denial, a reservation. or, maybe i just lack the willingness and open-mindedness to pursue another way of doing things. who knows. point being i don't want to be brainwashed. but i will "keep coming back".

posted by Jane at 10:10 PM 0 comments