Flashback: Canada Day 2005

The following entry is part of a flashback series I post on occasionally. This post was originally published in a blog titled, "A Detox on the Rocks" that I kept from 2005-2007. I have copied the entries and declined editing a single letter. These words teach me more about my addiction now than they ever could at the time. 

And yes, that is me in the photo below. It was taken later in the evening, on the same day as this post was written.

Friday, July 01, 2005

canada day

it's canada day. i sat at the lacy house by myself for the afternoon. everyone else was gone out with their friends and family. i knew all my friends and family would be drinking so i stayed at the house. i could hear the music of the concert at the waterfront and watched people walking by, drunk and happy. i got bored around 3pm and walked up to my apartment (i'm still keeping my place while i am in the half-way house) to clean up my room. after an hour i decided to take a walk down to my boyfriend's place. i promised myself i wouldn't do that because i knew that everyone would be drinking, but i didn't care. i pulled in the drive-way and there were a bunch of people on the patio drinking and BBQ'ing. the music is playing and i am totally screwed up. i know that if i drink i will have discharged myself from the lacey house. i know i should call people... i know i should run like hell and get the fuck out of here. but all i can think of is r-e-l-i-e-f! or shall i say b-e-e-r? i'm sick of fighting. i'm sick of the anxiety. i'm sick of being depressed, and confused, and lonely. i want to drink. i told my boyfriend i want to drink. he said i should write in my blog. he offered to walk me home. i don't want to go. i wrote in my blog. now, i think i'll go drink.

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