It Ain't Easy Being a Loser

It's still morning but I've had to adjust my attitude about a half dozen times already today. I feel like I try so hard to get it right but nothing comes easily. I'm so sick of failing. In these moments words like surrender and grace make me want to vomit -they're so fucking trite. And yet, I know.

I remember reading that a nun who lived with Saint Therese of Lisieux said she should receive no credit for her virtuous nature because it came to her without effort. Well, those who have read Therese's story know this isn't entirely true. It brings me a certain comfort to know that even the saints had to practice holiness.

Overcoming great obstacles will only make us stronger right? But what about those challenges that we never overcome? Because right now I'm getting my ass kicked. The hurdles are too high today.

I keep forgetting I was never going to win. When the memory creeps in I fall on my knees in exhaustion. There is no use running. It's over. I have lost.

And this is where God finds me.

Every time.