Is There Anybody Out There?

Every day I wake up and wonder, "Are you there God?" I need to practice believing. I do this by praying when I think nobody is listening, letting go when I'm sure I will just free fall, and doing His will even though I doubt His very existence.

I wonder if maybe it's all in my head. Maybe it's in all our heads, like mass hysteria. We make connections that aren't there, see patterns that don't exist and pacify ourselves with the findings. Karl Marx once said that "Religion is the opiate of the people." Maybe he's right; we are all high on God, or the idea of God as it were.

But, inevitably, I come full circle back to belief. I am converted all over again. The ebb and flow of doubt is a constant reminder of my need for an intimate relationship with my Creator. Ironically, my doubt draws me close to Him.

I can see how it would be tempting to make a statement of faith, follow a set of rules, declare myself "saved" and suppress my insecurities. Instead, I wrestle with uncertainty, play with the idea of a Godless existence and work my way through the skepticism instead of ignoring it. I find answers in that fight. I find God.

And then, I start all over again. New questions, new struggles, new answers.

It's a messy kind of faith.

But it works for me.