Is There Anybody Out There?

Every day I wake up and wonder, "Are you there God?" I need to practice believing. I do this by praying when I think nobody is listening, letting go when I'm sure I will just free fall, and doing His will even though I doubt His very existence.

I wonder if maybe it's all in my head. Maybe it's in all our heads, like mass hysteria. We make connections that aren't there, see patterns that don't exist and pacify ourselves with the findings. Karl Marx once said that "Religion is the opiate of the people." Maybe he's right; we are all high on God, or the idea of God as it were.

But, inevitably, I come full circle back to belief. I am converted all over again. The ebb and flow of doubt is a constant reminder of my need for an intimate relationship with my Creator. Ironically, my doubt draws me close to Him.

I can see how it would be tempting to make a statement of faith, follow a set of rules, declare myself "saved" and suppress my insecurities. Instead, I wrestle with uncertainty, play with the idea of a Godless existence and work my way through the skepticism instead of ignoring it. I find answers in that fight. I find God.

And then, I start all over again. New questions, new struggles, new answers.

It's a messy kind of faith.

But it works for me.

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A Prayer

Hello sweet and loving God of Light. Please help me remain mindful of Your presence as I share my prayer and throughout my day.

God, when I doubt You are with me, when I doubt Your very existence, please forgive my weakness. Have pity on my lonely soul and heal me of my spiritual afflictions. Please God, shine Your light on the shadows that dwell within me.

If I consider how much You love me, how You love me more than I love my own children, it overwhelms me with emotion. Can I ever love You that much? I want to bust open the gates that guard my heart and reconcile myself to You God. Teach me to love with reckless abandon.

When I feel isolated and alone in the world remind me to reach out to others. I know that it is only through giving that we are able to receive. If I focus on sharing love, instead of receiving love, my cup will always be full.

If I am running on self-will, feeling entitled, seeking recognition or displaying arrogance then come into my consciousness God. When I am taking myself too seriously, feel shy or embarrassed, act self-righteous, critical, demanding or judgemental, then remind me to be little –always.

I know that I often get caught up in my own plans and consider them important tasks. I need to slow down, keep things simple, and remember what is important. Help me to be more flexible and forgiving when things are not happening as I would have liked or people are not doing what I think they should be. Like water washing over stones and branches swaying in the breeze, I too must give way to the elements that surround me. Teach me to have patience and acceptance. Remind me Lord, that peace and serenity are gifts for those who surrender.

Sometimes, fear overwhelms me and prevents me from embracing the goodness of the day. Usually this happens if I am more concerned for my body than my soul; or this world than Your kingdom. I struggle to trust that the universe is unfolding as it should. Please God, when I feel I cannot bear the suffering of this world any longer, fold me in Your arms so I might rest in You.

Open my eyes to the goodness on earth. Remind me that laughter is sweet music. Help me rediscover a childlike spirit so I might experience life as a silly, creative and joy-filled child of God. Keep me playful and free-spirited!

Thank you God.

Amen

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As We Understood Him (Or Didn't!)

I've been thinking a lot about AA's step two and step three the past few days decades. I've formally completed step two and I'm almost done reading and writing about step three but I still have this nagging sense that I'm not quite done with it all yet. Perhaps that is the way it's supposed to be. Since our definitions of a Higher Power is always evolving (for most of us anyway) and the process of turning over our will is an ongoing struggle, we never really finish with these steps. They, like admitting powerlessness, are an integral part of our daily program.

My relationship to God is somewhat traditional in that I believe in the God of Abraham and that Christ was God incarnate, but my search for relationship doesn't end there. To know God intimately means that the details change over time. The nature of God changes as I grow spiritually. We really do make God in our image; we can't help it! If my beliefs about God are rigid and unchanging then I believe in a rigid, unchanging God. If I believe (which I do) that God is a very personal and engaging force that reveals Himself to me in proportion to my seeking then I have a Higher Power that is like an old friend with new surprises. (For the record I don't believe that God has a gender but I use the personal pronoun He because It is just too impersonal for my liking.)

I try to recommit to the mystery of God every day because my desire to wrap Him up in a neat little bow is powerful. We humans want concrete, rational, unchanging, absolute answers. We don't easily tolerate ambiguity, abstractions, ineffabilities or paradox. I'm starting to learn that God is not a matter for the mind; God is after my heart and it is only through my heart that I can come to Him. Again and again I come to this conclusion yet I continue to get caught up in divine intellectualizations. I'm not as inclined to dismiss or suppress this God-thinking as I might have been in the not-so-distant past. I believe that God gave us the ability to think for a reason. But inevitably the final leap is one of faith -not reason.

The journey into relationship with God is one of surrendering as much of yourself as you can to as much of God as you understand. I don't think God expects us to know or understand. I'm sure God is aware just how simple and weak we are. Only He has the answers and we need to learn to be okay with that -to release, trust and surrender despite the questions. Faith does not exist apart from doubt!

Horace Bushnell once said, "Pray to the dim God, confessing the dimness for honesty's sake." I think that is all He asks of us. It's a good place to start at least. And, in all honesty, it's probably where most of us will finish! You know what else? I think God is okay with that.

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20 Spiritual Questions to Ponder

In the documentary ONE: The Movie filmmakers asked well-known spiritual teachers and everyday people philosophical questions that explore the meaning of life. I haven't watched this movie yet but I have come across the 20 questions on another blog and they sent my head spinning. What do I believe? Some answers came easily but others required much more reflection. It's interesting to ponder how my beliefs have changed over the years and consider how they will continue to evolve in the future. I wonder how different the world would be if people took time on a regular basis to explore these ideas and contemplate their faith.

1. Why is there poverty and suffering in the world?
Because "evil" does exist and the majority of us that could do something about these issues are too far removed from the problem to really care. Mass poverty and suffering are mirrors exposing the culmination of our individual ignorance and apathy.They are the result of us versus them thinking.

2. What is the relationship between science and religion?
Science is a limited religion.

3. Why are so many people depressed?
They have forgotten to look at life from both sides.

4. What are we all so afraid of?
Being criticized, abandoned, forgotten, alone. That death is the end.

5. When is war justifiable?
I don't know.

6. How would God want us to respond to aggression and terrorism?
With prayer.

7. How does one obtain true peace?
By surrendering.

8. What does it mean to live in the present moment?
To act without an attachment to the results, let go of the past and stop trying to control the future.

9. What is our greatest distraction?
The illusion of a limitless void. That more (money, stuff, power, recognition, serenity, travel, friends, prayer...) will make us happier.

10. Is current religion serving its purpose?
Sometimes.

11. What happens to you after you die?
I think the experience differs depending on the needs/expectations of the individual. I'm pretty confident that our spirit separates from our physical body and based on accounts from near-death experiencers I think it is possible that we are guided by angels and participate in a life review. I believe we continue our education while in the spiritual realms, perhaps as a prisoner in purgatory or we may return to earth in another incarnation if necessary. I believe hell does exist and some souls go to hell because they have made a conscious decision to reject God. I also believe some people require no further lessons and enter into communion with God (heaven).

12. Describe heaven and how to get there.
Heaven is communion with God. It is experienced when we have developed a Christlike spirit.

13. What is the meaning of life?
To encounter and transcend adversity. To experience the physical realm, practice free will, embrace life and learn to love.

14. Describe God.
God is a paradox. God is the sentient life force that exists in all living things and watches over us at the same time. God is a part of and separate from; intrinsic and transcendent. God is the creator and the creation.

15. What is the greatest quality humans posses?
The capacity to love that which seems unloveable.

16. What is it that prevents people from living to their full potential?
Fear.

17. Non-verbally, by motion or gesture only, act out what you believe to be the current condition of the world.


18. What is your one wish for the world?
That everyone will feel safe and loved.

19. What is wisdom and how do we gain it?
Wisdom is the ability to see the big picture and learn from the past.

20. Are we all One?
We are, but we don't know it.

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Was it Really Him?

Sometimes I get frustrated with God. I don't have too much to be angry about in my personal life these days but I see news reports of missing and exploited children, violence, ignorance and oppression that leave me longing for some earth-shattering miracles. C'mon God show us something! Intellectually I understand the process but emotionally I feel abandoned. Does He really protect us and intervene on our behalf or is He more like a coach standing on the sidelines reprimanding, motivating and consoling?

About six or seven years ago I found myself in Montreal with little money, no place to stay and nothing to eat. I consider myself somewhat adventurous so I put on a brave face and hopped on the subway to do some exploring. I had been trying all day to get in contact with a friend who lived in the city and decided that if I didn't get a hold of her by midnight I would find my way to a train or bus station where there were bright lights and sleepy travelers.

It was getting late and I didn't know it but my subway was making the final trip of the evening -to a sketchy area on the outskirts of the city. I sat, oblivious to what was happening when a guy at the other end of the car moved up and sat across from me. He said something like, "Um, I know this may sound really weird and I've never done this before but I was wondering if you'd like to go see a movie or something..." He looked shy and embarrassed. Maybe it was his honest face or my general loneliness but I said I would join him for a cup of coffee. We got off at the next stop and chatted as we walked to the cafe. He was a student, had grown up in Montreal and his parents were from South Korea. I trusted him. I told him my predicament and he offered me a place to stay for the night. His apartment had loads of spiritual books, a friendly cat and comfy couch. In the morning he let me use his shower, cooked up a delicious Korean dish and helped me get in touch with my friend. He continually repeated how strange it was that he had come up to talk to me -that in all his life he had never approached a stranger on the subway. We spoke about how fortunate I was not to end up at the end of the line that night.

Now I don't know if that was coincidence or divine intervention but it was damn lucky -that's for sure. When I start to feel alone in the world I meditate on that experience and wonder how many times I was heading for the end of the line and didn't even know it!

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Religious Bridges and Spritual Destinations

Author and lecturer Joan Borysenko says that religions are bridges to spirituality. That got me thinking about how some people are very religious but somehow lacking in spirit yet others are extremely spiritual despite having no religious affiliations. I imagine the journey into spirit to be like two land masses separated by a wide and wild river. On this side is the world we know, full of joy and sorrow, buildings and televisions, careers and relationships. On the other side is a garden of hope, faith and charity. There is peace and comfort, light and wisdom, strength and courage in the garden of spirituality. My vision is a little sentimental perhaps but these are the gifts that keep us committed to spiritual growth.

I see many bridges connecting the two land masses -each with its own unique design and style. There are crowds of people moving across each bridge. Some decide to turn around and choose another bridge, others choose to forget the bridges altogether and swim for it instead. There are those who get stuck on the bridges thinking they have already reached their destination. Some shout at the people on other bridges and in the water telling them they have chosen the wrong way. Onlookers from land shake their heads in pity because they can't even see a garden and consider the journey foolish. Those who have crossed over encourage us with gentle coaxing giving us strength to go on.

Did you know there are dozens of major world religions, thousands of minor religions and over 500 Christian sects in the world today? Isn't that awe inspiring? I like to think of myself as swimming in the water, but following the direction of a very large, respected and well-known bridge. Being in the water is definitely dangerous by times because it is much easier to get caught up in a current or swim off-course but God is my lighthouse and He keeps beckoning me home to the garden. I'm certain He is happy to see me making the journey regardless of the particular path I have chosen.

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